The Wandering Mind of Me
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Vera" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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04:26 pm
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psych paper :)
Danielle Osborne
Assignment #1
9/24/09
PSY 440 - Dr. Tate
A large majority of the public has come to the conclusion that the American rapper and producer Kanye West is both rude and impulsive. He is famous for his hit music, and has produced the #1 ranked albums and many hit singles. It is though that Kanye West acts this rude and impulsive manner because that is simply the kind of person he is, which would make it an internal cause. I will explain this using Kelly's ANOVA model of attribution, consisting of consistency, distinctiveness, and consensus.
Consistency is HIGH for for this behavior. Consistency is considered high when the person acts in this way regularly, and not as a rare or unique occurrence. Kanye West has demonstrated high consistency by interrupting several events to assert his point of view. In 2006 he went on stage to argue against loosing Best Video at the MTV Europe Music Awards, interrupting the winners of the award. He again interrupted the winner of an award to ague the results in 2009, this time interrupting Taylor Swift to argue that Beyonce should have won the award for Best Female Video instead. The public agreed that these actions were rude, including President Obama who was quoted off the record as referring to Kanye West as a "jackass". In 2005 Kanye West interrupted a benefit for Huricane Katrina victims by going off script and saying that "George Bush doesn't care about black people". While this may or may not be true, it was considered rude and not fitting to the occasion. Kanye West also offended many Christians in 2006 by appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine dressed as Jesus, including in his costume a crown of thorns. He has had to apologize for many of these actions.
Distinctiveness is shown by comparing the persons action in different situations. This is somewhat more difficult to determine, because Kanye West could be rude and impulsive in public but kind and patient in private and we would not know. However, I would determine that the distinctiveness for Kanye being rude is LOW, because he appears to act this way to several different people at different times and settings.
Consensus is determined by comparing the subject's reactions to other people's reaction in similar settings and situations. While the cover picture on Rolling Stone is not very indicative in this case, because Christians are often offended, his interruptions of awards ceremonies are not frequently replicated by other people. There are very few cases of people interrupting winners at awards ceremonies to argue over who should or should not have won. This I would classify consensus on Kanye West's actions as LOW.
Classically internal attribution is determined by LOW consensus and distinctiveness and HIGH consistency. In this case Kanye West has shown HIGH consistency and LOW consensus, but LOW distinctiveness as well. This goes against the typical definition of internal attribution according to Kelly's ANOVA model. However, I would argue that this still qualifies as an internal attribution. If Kanye West had HIGH distinctiveness for his rudeness and impulsiveness, it would mean he was only this way in a few narrowly defined situations. In that case it would appear that Kanye West just disliked those few people. Since he has acted rude in many different situations, it appears that he is rude to many people, which fits better with the usual understanding of how a rude person acts.
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05:43 pm
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SONofaBitch!
So I'd been meaning to take my car into the shop lately, because it hit 100,000 miles recently and i want to be a good responsible car owner. So today when I'm on my courier route for work, the check engine light comes on (side note: I hate the check engine light. It is the most vague instruction in the world, and can be triggered by seemingly anything in the car). The car is still acting perfectly normal, and i think I've heard somewhere that it will sometimes come on if you hit a certain mileage limit. But i am planning on driving it to Arizona this weekend for Estrella, so i figure its best to take it in as soon as possible. So as soon as i get back to town i take it in, I'll probably have it back tomorrow. Only an hour or so later at work he calls me. Good news: they got the car on early, they know what is wrong, and if they order the part tonight i can likely get it back late tomorrow, which is ideal. Bad news: the catalytic converter is the problem. It's a super expensive part. I had dad explain what it was to me. It is part of the exhaust system and it has expensive and rare earth metals in it like platinum. So with the diagnostic test, labor, parts, and tax, it will probably be around $930. This fucking sucks. I'm on a super tight budget right now, and i already went WAY over for the week because i had to by Grisha some more flea meds, which are ridiculously expensive. Maybe my dad will pay for it, but our agreement in general is that he pays for my car insurance, and i pay for everything else. aaargh! This is super lame, and i really don't need this right now. If i look on the bright side, now i know our drive to Arizona and back will be safe because I've just had my car checked out, and i know my car isn't going to break on me, and it is always better to fix things before they go super super bad. But seriously! This is so expensive, and my car isn't that old, and it seems to run fine, and i really shouldn't have this kind of a problem so soon after buying it!!!
To sum up: damn cars are expensive, and I am unlucky
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08:25 pm
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Update!
so school is much better than I expected it to be. I love multicultural communication. Vasquez is SO cool, i normally don't get the whole "crush on your teacher" thing, but i could totally get a crush on him. he is so smart. i'm getting math just fine so far. my math teacher is good. bible is boring, but Mendel is kind of cool also. he made a big deal about how we should respect everyone's opinion and there are many ways of viewing and interpreting the bible. and yet he totally runs over the biblical literalists in class. like: "does anyone actually believe that the world is only 6 thousand years old?" (one kid starts to raise his hand) "of course not! we're smarter than that! geology and biology and other things tell us that the world is much older" it makes me laugh.
Last weekend i went to Santa Barbara to go to a one day SCA event. it was fun. i stayed the rest of thr weekend and on sunday me and Bay hung out. This weekend he was up here again to take a motorcycle training class so he can get his motorcycle license. wednesday and thursday he stayed with Katharine, and friday he came over here and stayed with me. his class got out too late last night to take the bus home, so he went home today. i played hookie today, but i don't feel bad because its the first time i've missed a class since school started. i did go to Vasquez's class and i convinced Bay to go with me. unfortunately it wasn't one of my favorite classes, it was stuff i've already covered in sociology classes, but it was still cool to take Bay to school with me and meet my favorite people. i gave him a tour and we took Michelle home because she was feeling sick. we went out to eat and watched Buffy at home and he left this afternoon. i'm really glad we are such good friends now. Next weekend is Estrella, but i am worried about it. it's been raining in arizona too, and i don't want it to be super muddy, but worst i'm afraid Katharine will have to cancel at the last minute because of family issues. i am NOT doing that drive alone again, but i'd feel bad about canceling on Bay at the last minute and making him find another ride there. i hope i can go to Estrella, i hope my friends all have a good time.
My 21st birthday is in 3 weeks! i wanted to go to Disneyland for my birthday, cuz they are letting people in for free on their birthday, but i don't think enough friends would be able to go with me to make it fun.
I'm hoping some time in March i can go to visit Katey in Monterey for the weekend.
I have a boy thing. He confuses me. We get along fine when we hang out. we have fun when we make out. but he is SO not my usual type, and i feel like we are both too busy to date. and he smokes! just once a day, so i never smell it on him, but it still bothers me. he's way more conservative than my friends usually are. i just don't know.
in general, my life is good right now. i'm having fun, i'm happy, and school is good.
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08:12 pm
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Spring classes
Philosophy of the Bible MWF 9:30-10:30 Mendel
Intercultural Comm. 10:30 - 11:20 MWF Matthew Vasques
Int. Applied Statistics MWF 12:30-1:30 Anne Woods
Afro-American History MW 1:30-3:00 Koeninger
i really don't want vacation to end. my classes aren't horrible, but they aren't anything i'm super excited about. i do have a good math teacher, finally. and i have my first class with Michelle. and I've had three of these teachers before. but none of them are really exciting. i couldn't get any psych, soc, or anthro classes. but it's my last semester, and i just have to suck it up and look forward. hopefully things will be enjoyable.
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12:36 am
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Grades!
Cuesta FINALLY, at long last, released fall grades.
History: B
Philosophy: A
Speech: A
Anthropology: A
For a total GPA of 3.014. FINALLY i got my GPA back up to a reasonable level.
Grisha has adopted another family that he visits in the apartments over the back fence. They are very cat friendly, and have a few cats of their own. he goes out during the day to get away from the dogs, and comes back at night. it works fine, because i'm usually gone during the day. but sometimes, he for some reason stops coming home. once he does that, he won't come home again until until i make him come home. i feel bad, cuz he squirms, and hisses, and acts like he hates me. but once he gets home, he acts like everything is normal and chills out, and follows me from room to room. The couple he adopted, Vikki and Jeff, are both deaf. So when i've gone over to get him, i've taken my sister when i can, because she has some sign language. but she hates doing it, and they often aren't home. so i went to get him by myself today. i usually try to get him from the back yard, cuz it's open and i don't want to bother them. today vikki saw me on my on my way back and waved. we were actually able to communicate with my few words of sign, gesture, body language, and lip reading. they are really nice. he wasn't there, but i pointed out my house. so later that night, i was watching West Wing with dad and i saw a light flashing. Jeff had found him, and he stood on a chair and was shining a flash light over the back fence into our yard so i would know he was there. so i came out and got Grisha. I thought that was really nice of him to put that effort into giving me my cat back.
I have another week of vacation left, then its my last semester of Cuesta. i'm not really excited about school, but i am enjoying vacation to the fullest.
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01:08 pm
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I'm not dead yet!
so i haven't posted regularly in....6 months or more? anyway, i'm not dead, i've been reading yours regularly, but i fell out of the habit of updating.
i guess instead of being specific, i should give a general update of whats happening in my life.
my parents are getting divorced. you don't have to freak out, i'm fine, they are fine, my sister is fine, its pretty amicable, and apart from the money aspect its coming at a good time, because i'm moving out soon anyway and it won't be as weird for them to separate once i'm already moved out. christmas next year might be weird though. i'm trying to focus on the things that directly affect me - when is my mom moving out, are they still going to be able to pay for my rent and food while i'm at college, etc. and leave the emotional relationship stuff alone, cuz its none of my buisness.
dad has instantly turned into a bitter divorcee although they are still living together (kind of - mom moved into the spare room). i was watching a show with him and they were talking about depression and said something like "we may be able to find the cure for dipression" and dad says "divorce?"
mom is looking at it more as a big life change, and seeing where she wants to go from here, and is trying to create her ideal life for herself. that is totally awesome and i',m happy for her, but it makes her really boring to talk to. she's into this new cult of being rich. she's joined a new multi-level marketing business where she sells vitamins and facials kits. they work really well, her wrinkles are visibly decreasing even to clueless me, but they are kind of expensive. i think $350 or something, and you have to buy new gells for it every month. she's also started up her massage business seriously, and is doing well and getting new clients. if any of you in the slo area want or need a massage, or you are thinking of getting someone a really nice gift, she's the person to go to. she is way better than most people in this area, and i'm not just saying that because she's my mom. so she is a little more expensive, but its totally worth it. so my mom is doing great, but she only wants to talk about new sales she's had and other boring crap.
i got accepted to San Francisco State and will be there next fall. i am SO EXCITED to finally get to go to real college. the campus is beautiful, and Alisha said rooms in the sunset district aren't too hard to find. that would be amazing, because its a beautiful neighborhood and its the closest one to school. i'd like to not drive regularly while i'm there, so walking to school would be excellent. also, the next closest neighborhood is the mission district, but that is more shady, and i think with my limited street smarts it might not be a great idea, though i'd be willing to live there. dad has even worked out a scheme where i MIGHT not have to work my first semester or first year even! that would be fantastic, and i've got my fingers crossed. the one thing about the divorce i'm worried about most is that its rather expensive, and i'm worried about it affecting me and Bern, since we are both moving out in the same year.
Bern is going to a 4 month trades school program in Orlando, Florida after she graduates. she's going to become a personal trainer, like at the gym. apparently when mom looked it up, all the ones in southern california were full. i hope she moves back to california after she's finished, because i don't want to be too far away from my baby sister. california's big, and we'll likely be at opposite ends of it, but i'd like to be in the same state.
in more recent news, i don't have my grades yet because cuesta sucks big sweaty balls. i'm signed up for next semester, and apart from having my first class with my friend Michelle, i'm not excited at all to go back to school. but i don't have to for two more weeks, hahaha! Bay came to visit all us SLO folks for new years. one of the reasons he came up was to take a motorcycle training class, but it was canceled without them telling anyone. so he may be coming back up in a month or so to do that for reals. and speaking of exes, i though i was supposed to hang out with Katey today, but she never called me back. we're hopefully getting a new computer today for the house, because ours is finally dying, after working like crap for the past year or so.
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11:19 am
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I'm In!
i just got my conditional acceptance to SF State. so as long as i pass all my classes, i will be going to "real college" next fall!
now i just have to figure out how the hell I'm paying for it....
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09:35 am
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the worst possible way to handle a situation
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/davis_10423___article.html/gay_students.html
it makes it even worse that the entire town supports his actions.
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01:46 pm
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Grades came out!!!
Sociology 1A: A
Astronomy: B
Astronomy Lab: B
Semester GPA: 3.4
Total GPA: 2.8
ouch on that last one. but I'm improving, and i can get two F's erased after i complete fall semester, which will help a lot.
in other school-like news, i just spent three and a half hours on the cuesta website copying every class and time i might need and any that might be fun that could fit around it into a word document. this weekend i will try and make this fit into something resembling a class schedule. i hate doing this stuff. right now my brain just feels like mush. when i try and actually form a workable schedule, my brain will feel like a fried egg, with glass shards in it. however, final decisions will not be made until Rachel comes back and we can see if we can take another class together, because that makes things more fun. it also makes you feel guilty if you don't show up and you have someone to study with, so its good for your grades too.
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11:38 am
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portland rocks, i'm sick
i'm back from portland. it was a great trip. tomorrow, or sometime soon, i will provide a very long update about it. i brought a paper journal so i could record the basics and not forget everything. i had a great time, buit i'm really happy to be back with my kitty-baby. i missed him so much! i was calling or texting home nearly every day to check on him. i was planing on updating saying "i'm back in town, everyone come love me now and hang out!" but instead i get to say "i'm back in town, and i'm really sick." yesterday was terrible! today its bearable, but still annoying. i guess i should be thanking my awesome immune system that i only had one day of hell, but it still sucks. yesterday i woke up with a sore throat, but figured it would go away and downed a couple glasses of orange juice. it got worse throughout the day, and a headache and general bodily soreness. by 5 pm, it had progressed to that stage where you can't do anything, because even simple concentration is interrupted with constant thoughts of "i feel like hell" and other yuckyness. i was planing on working extra when i got back, but its all i can do to go to work at my scheduled times, and forget adding hours. hopefully i will make a speedy recovery!
Current Mood:  sick
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01:15 pm
[Link] | I have a lot to do today. i have a list of all the tings i have to do before i leave tomorrow morning for Portland. and i have to pack. and i have to make everything fit in as small a space as possible, because Katey has all her worldly possessions in her car so that doesn't leave a lot of room for my crap.
Yesterday at work i was reading comments by people about the Gay Marriage court case. and this one was just hilariously terrible:
President of the Campaign for Children and Families
"On a 4-3 vote, the California Supreme Court has destroyed the civil institution of marriage between a man and a woman, and law-abiding Americans must condemn it in the strongest terms. This arrogant judicial activism took 121 pages of contorted logic to explain and is no surprise coming from this San Francisco-based court. By bowing down to homosexual activists and the rebel city of San Francisco, the California Supreme Court has exchanged the rule of law for the rule of unbridled power to destroy all that is good and sacred."
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11:05 am
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clothes, kitty, and school
So thinks are looking up. I had a really fun shopping trip with Bern and Mom. mom bought me a lot of stuff, even though i tried to pay for it. There was one really sexy dress that didn't fit because it was made for short people. fuckin' short people. but i got a pretty summer dress, a girly vest, a cute scarf with skulls on it, and several nice summer shirts for work. Mom is really good at finding things that look good on me. probably because she used to work in retail. we didn't make it to the men's store i wanted to check out, but we shopped for a long time so its not that bad.
I had my sociology final yesterday, and it was really easy! definitely getting an A in that class. My astronomy final is tomorrow, and i have not been studying for that like i should. but after work today thats all I'm doing! no playing with the kitty boy, no tv, no reading, not even packing or room cleaning. just studying. i'm hopeing i can still pull a B in that class, but not sure. i've gotten a B on all of the midterms, but not sure how much my quiz scores are going to affect things. and the final is worth twice the points of the other tests so far.
My kitty is too smart for his own good. he has figured out how to go through the dog door. at first he tried and he wasn't strong enough to do it, but then he figured out how to do it (he kind of half-jumps at one door instead of both, before he was just leaning on it). so i'm not sure what to do. my plan was for him to be an inside cat, since he won't be allowed outside when i move to San Francisco, or wherever i end up going to school. and since he was a feral cat, even just for a little while, i'm afraid of him running away and not coming back. or going somewhere and not being able to get back. but this morning i took him outside to see how he would react to things and he only seemed interested in exploring the bushes, not trying to climb the fence. so maybe he will be ok.
And i feel weird saying it, but i recently put myself on a diet. for the first time ever, because i think diets are kind of stupid. but i was getting close to 200 pounds, and that was a little too much. but i really like it. i'm on a diet called don't eat unless you are hungry. novel idea, i know. part two, eat less junk. not no junk, just less. but i've lost a lot of weight. in a month, i think somewhere around 10 pounds. and don't worry, i'm not starving myself. i'm just waiting until i get hungry to eat, instead of eating because it's a particular time of day or because i was boored.
the cuesta summer and fall schedules are out. i have several options for my classes that i need, but i only need three. i want to take a fun class or two so i have enough units. but all the classes seem to be at the same time! and i've been at Cuesta for so long, I'm running out of classes that i want to take. there are only one or two sociology classes i haven't had yet, and one psychology class. i thought it would be fun to take history of africa, but i'm taking american history and i think it might be too much to have two history classes at once. before i can figure it out in more detail, i have to talk to Marsha and see what times she wants me in. when i was in the office it was best if i could get classes MWF and work TTh, or vice versa. but would it be better if i had class in the mornings and worked in the afternoons? or work mornings and class afternoons? anyway, i'll have to figure that out when i come back from Portland. i'd better figure out when summer classes start as well.
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01:09 pm
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Life happens
Thursday after work i celebrated the supreme court decision by splurging on a box of raspberries, which i ate all at once while watching the news. sadly i spilled on my white shirt, which brought the mood down a little. so i changed into the gayest shirt i had, which is my tank top that says "I kiss girls". Katey called, and we went out to dinner at the corner view. we also wandered around downtown, but sadly were ate too late to go to farmers afterwords. we ran into some guys that started talking to us and totally emphasized the fact that san luis is full of boring stupid people, and all the good ones leave. well, there are still some good people, but they like to hide from the stupid people so we never meet each other. i aslo got heckled by some stupid drunk poly guys about my shirt. its one of those moments you want a really good snarky come-back to, but i can never think of them in time. afterwards i thought of plenty, of course.
friday morning i died my hair black. i was kind of nonplussed about it at first, but it's kind of growing on me. i went to work and washed my car with my sister afterwards, since she wouldn't go to the beach. then in the evening i went to Rose's house and played majong (is that how you spell that? whatever) with her and her mom and her grandmother, who i met for the first time and is pretty kick ass as far as grandmothers go. Saturday i really didn't do much, but i should have been studying for finals. me and dad went to Sylvesters for luch, which was fun. i really don't remember what i did for most of the day, because it was lame and unimportant. mostly sat around feeling blah and tired.
today i woke up early ish and got pancakes cuz Bern and Makayla were making them. then i cleaned the floors and showered and soon mom and me and Bern are going shopping.
i felt like dressing up today. i was about to dress up all girly, but then i realized i didn't feel like looking girly, i just wanted to look hot. but its hard to dress up butch when its so hot out. and i don't have any good butch dressing up clothes that are appropriate. i have T shirts and i have really nice clothes, like for work or fancy dinners. but no kinda-dressy stuff. and really i'm not even feeling that butch right now. i'm just not feeling girly. which is fine for geans and t shirts but not good for dressing up. the past couple days i've felt really uncomfortable in my own skin, and in my life and my place. this is just another layer on that. i'm not femme, but i;m not butch. i'm not dating anyone, but i'm attracted to people i can't do anything about. i'm not happy living here, but i can't move. i feel like my life is on pause, but everyone else is still moving. i feel weird complaining, because it's not liek theres actually anything wrong with me. its just lots of little things that are annoying that seem like they are ganging up on me.
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10:45 am
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THE CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT JUST LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE!
THE CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT JUST LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so exited. at first i yalped, then i grinned, then i started shaking and crying uncontrolably. This is amazing. And wonderful. And historic. ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!! I mean, i knew it was important to me (obviously) but i didn't think i would have this strong of a reaction. go celebrate, all of you!
Current Mood:  sooooo excited beyond words
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08:56 pm
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ren faire and road trips
So last weekend i wanted to go to LA ren faire with Bay, and i found out that poly gay prom was the same day. i was trying to go to both, but ended up only going to faire because LA is full of SUCK. crazy amounts of traffic, and construction. friday night i went down and hung out with Bay so we could leave early and i wouldn't drive so much in one day. we didn't leave as early as i would have liked, and there was massive annoying traffic. we got to faire around 1:30ish. if we had left at 5 like i had planned in order to make it to prom we would have no time at all at faire, so i decided to not to go to prom and assure one good event that day instead of two half-assed things. I was kind of bitchy for a while, because of missing prom and being too hot and being in the car too long. Rachel said it was a good call, because prom was kinda lame. We saw Merry Misfits of Doom and the Poxy Boggarts. We ate, and shopped, and hung out, and looked at hot girls and then realized that they were jail bait in corsets. We managed to avoid running into Dean even though i saw him at a distance twice. Since i didn't need to head back to slo right away, i stayed saturday night there as well. it was fun to hang out with Bay. despite still having some awkward moments, we get along well and he's still one of my closest friends. Sunday we hung out and i went back home to study for my sociology test. i was tired and i kept falling asleep while reading the text book. the next day i was studying and lost track of time, and ended up being a half hour late for the test. i think i did pretty well on it though, and i finished up pretty fast. i even left before some people who showed up on time. i got my astronomy test back, and managed to pull a low B, which was exciting. I'm terrified of the final, and will be studying for days.
Right after finals I'm helping Katey move to Portland. We're leaving on the 22nd, since i finish finals on wednesday. we're staying in redding the first night, which is a 6 1/2 hour drive if you don't stop and traffic isn't too bad. We are probably stopping in San Francisco for lunch because Katey has an aunt there. i think the second night we are staying somewhere near Eugene Oregon, which is only a 5 hour drive. Third day we will make it to Portland and start moving stuff into her apartment, get the cat settled, and furniture shop and get to know the city until i take the train home thursday the 29th and come home friday the 30th. I'm supposed to be getting in at 3pm, but in a 24 hour trip i bet there will be delays. I'm just hoping i get home early enough to not have to wake someone up at home to come pick me up. all in all, it should be a fun trip, even if i do have to miss a lot of work. i have technically been to Portland before, but it was for my uncle's wedding when i was 10 or 11 and i didn't exactly get to explore the city or anything.
also friday and saturday are supposed to be hot, so if anyone wants to go to the beach call me and i'll plan on taking a study break some time this weekend to soak up some sun. i am potentially free all day friday saturday and sunday, but i do have studying to do so not unlimited time, just unscheduled.
Current Mood:  calm
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02:40 pm
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Stanford, MRI, black holes, lizzards, and knees
For those of you who don't read my posts when they are ridiculously long, here is the outline:
-hung out with Rose
-Stanford trip, was treated well by everyone for the first time!
-No MRI for a full year!
-Astronomy test
-lizzards
-itchy peeling old sunburn
So Rose is back in town, and we had an epic Denny's adventure and caught up on each other and i told her about all the local gossip she had missed. There wasn't much, that i knew of, but i'm pretty out of the loop.
Monday after school me and dad left for Stanford. We stayed with Barbara and Dale that night. i had a creepy dream, and i was in the room near the bathroom and got woken up by the noise of the shower when each of them got up to get ready for work, but other than that i slept great, and even got to sleep in a bit because my MRI got moved from 8:30 to 10:30! They called me in as soon as I'd checked in, so i didn't even have to finish filling out the paperwork, which is exactly the same every time. The girl who gave the the contrast injection was really great and got my vein on the first try, and i hardly felt anything. She was also really apologetic about the MRI taking so long. they always say it will be about an hour, and its always between an hour and a half and two hours. After that me and dad went to have a late breakfast at my favorite restaurant around there, called Stacks. i had waffles with strawberries and cream - REAL good cream, not some redi-whip crap! and its right across the street from the bookstore, so we went there after breakfast. i got two books, one a novel called Middle Sex and one called Medical Apartheid and it's about the history of blacks in the American medical system from slavery to today. i started reading it in the waiting room and it seems really cool, but i have to wait until i finish The God Gene to get into it. We went back to the hospital to see my radiologist, doctor Iris Gibbs, who is my favorite doctor that i've worked with at Stanford. She is actually nice, remembers me from visit to visit, and on top of that is quite pretty. and this time we didn't have to wait 45 minutes to see her, like usual. also her inter this time was the best ever! she was one of the people working the radiation machine when i was there for radiation two years ago, and she remembered me and was really nice and on top of that was quite thorough in her examination. And best of all, the "enhancement area" aka scar tissue and tumor nodules that absorb the contrast and show up during the MRI, are the same size if not a little smaller, and I can wait a whole year for my next appointment!!! hallelujah! So basically things are good on the medical front. We decided to take a detour and headed over to the Santa Cruz area to take the 1 home instead of the 101. it takes an hour longer, but its a lot more fun to drive and the view is amazing. I had never been north of Plasket creek on the 1 before, and it was nice to see the redwood/hippy area. it was quite pretty.
Today i had my last Astronomy test before finals. i didn't get a lot of time to study yesterday because of all the driving, but i think i did ok. i'll probably get another B. His lecture Monday was actually really fun. For a week we've been talking about star death but monday he talked about how black holes are created, which is pretty fun stuff. and he went on all sorts of hilarious tangents that kind of related but were way more than strictly needed to explain the effects. and he said "Nothing can escape black holes. Not even light. Not even lizzards!" and then on the test there was a question "What can escape black holes? (a) space ships (b) light (c) lizards (d) nothing" and that made me laugh a lot.
My sunburn has faded to a tan, but the backs of my knees started peeling yesterday and its very annoying.
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11:06 pm
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Answers to important life questions
So tonight was Kate's last night in town. Me and Bern met her at Denny's in a n attempt to pick up some of that late night hilarity, but Bern was tired and didn't say much and it was too early in the evening anyway. But we did have fun and laugh, it just wasn't what some Denny's nights can be. So we were talking about grandparents, and in the coarse of conversation I had an important mystery solved: my grandfather is Rasputin. It answers so much! he's evil, charismatic, and refuses to die when he should. For those of you who have never heard about my grandfather, i am not being an evil person or exaggerating. He really is a truly bad person. so that though was excellent and made me laugh a lot. The other thing that made me laugh tonight was talking about the entirety of Denny's randomly and simultaneously bursting into song. not just any song, the "ma na ma na (do do do do)" song. Then we started talking about all sorts of strange movies we could put that in, like horror slasher films or a Samurai movie.
But other than that i've been very pensive lately. like the other day i was thinking about beauty. especially women and beauty in America. and how its kind of terrible either way. Pretty people are seen as nicer, more successful, happier, etc. Things happen for pretty people that just don't happen for others. But they also have a harder time getting people to see who they really are under their looks. and they are more likely to get sexually harassed, regardless of if they are dressed provocatively or not. and even if they are, that's no reason to get harassed. They also are the subject of hatred or jealousy for something they can't help, which is that the were blessed with appropriate subcutaneous fat distribution, symmetrical features, and pleasing bone structure. They are sometimes assumed to be bitchy or stuck up because people give them more attention. People have told me otherwise, but I really don't think I look any better than average. Maybe 6.5 ish. i don't think I'm ugly, i just don't think I'm pretty either. but while it would be fun to get the self esteem boost of being found attractive, or getting asked out more often, or just getting appreciative looks from random passers-by, I prefer it the way i am. because i know several friends who have been sexually harassed, or even had guys try to rape them, because they were really pretty. and yes it feels nice to feel attractive, but its annoying to always have people ask you out when all you want is to be their friend. My sister gets guys cat-calling at her every time she goes downtown, and has for over a year. she's 16. she always has people tell her she's pretty, and she is. but people forget to tell her she is as funny as people i see doing standup on tv. maybe the stereotype of pretty people being airheads is something we create. maybe they had potential to be much more, but since all anyone acknowledges in them is their looks, thats all they focus on. if i had to choose between my looks and hers, I'd stay where i am. because whatever benefits would not be worth having men twice my age whistle at me crossing the street every day. And it seems like you should be at this perfect middle point, and it doesn't exist. either you're too sexy and "flaunting it" and you're stuck up and you're harassed, or your ugly and invisible and beneath notice. what do you all think? how pretty do you think you are, and do you like it? or for any guys reading this, do you have any opinions on things from more of an outside perspective?
The other day when I was hanging out with Katey I was telling her about my sociology class. i was talking about eye contact, and how apparently from a typical american male's perspective if a girl stranger stares at them too long passing on the street they think she's hitting on them. if a guy does, he's making a challenge. so my response to this was "wow, thats cool! i want to go try it out!...damn, I'm a girl. its no fun to make people think i'm hitting on them, its much more fun to make them think I'm issuing a challenge!" and then we talked about eye contact in general, and how you do it more with friends than strangers, but women do it more than men.And we were talking about personal differences and i couldn't think of how i made i contact. and she said that i make lots of eye contact when I'm first getting to know someone, and once I'm clearly their friend i don't make as much eye contact. and thinking back to whatever conversations my memory could dredge up, i thought that was probably pretty accurate! i also added that i make more eye contact the more serious or intense the discussion topic is. so then i started thinking about that. do i do it because i am earnestly trying to convey something, and eye contact represents honesty? or is it because I'm watching the other persons face to see if they are understanding and agreeing or disagreeing? and do i make more eye contact with new people because they are new and therefore a novelty, and i want to put more attention on them? or is it because I'm trying to get a sense of who they are, and its easier to read peoples body language if you look at their face more? is it because I'm unconsciously trying to follow social norms on eye contact between friends and the increased eye contact is meant as a friendship display? or am I being more careful to follow norms with someone i don't know and relax more into my normal state when i feel more comfortable with them and it is less likely that they will misinterpret that as not paying attention? this may be completely tedious and boring to many of you, but i find it to be fascinating food for thought.
also when i was hanging out with Katey i had an impromptu street race (only for one block, and at night. i try to minimize the danger even when driving irresponsibly) with some guy in a red muscle car who thought he was the shit and probably worked on his car all the time and thought he was a sexy badass. and i totally beat his ass, clearly and fairly. in my tiny little Kia that practically shakes in the wind. it made me feel really awesome, one that i had one and therefore had a bigger penis than him (yes, i am kind of a guy behind the wheel), but that i did so in my crappy little car against a car that was clearly meant for such things, and so the other guy got seriously taken down a peg. i know its really sophomoric of me, but i love things like that.
Current Mood:  pensive
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11:47 am
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A kick ass weekend
I'm loving my kitty, as always. He is getting along a lot better with the dogs, but i still lock him in my room when i leave.
Saturday I was busy in the morning, and in the afternoon I went to visit Katey. We had a great time, and ended up hanging out for 12 hours straight. Near the end I started laughing when i realized that if you told people the actions and left out the people and the context, they would think we went on a date, and a pretty nice one. We hung out at her house and had tea and walked along the bay and talked about lots of stuff. We went into SLO and again spent too much in Barns and Nobles. We had dinner at the Corner View. We walked around downtown and by the creek and talked, I drove her home and she decided to help me with my astronomy project, so she got her warm stuff and made some tea and we went to my house to get my stuff and we drove to santa margarita lake and lay on a blanket and looked at the stars and talked. it was fun, but i didnt get to sleep until 3am, and had to get up early the next day.
Sunday i declared it officially summer in SLO, because we made our first beach trip of the year. It was great! Kate and Katharine came, and Katharine brought her two roommates and a friend i hadn't met before. Everyone got along great, including the people who didn't know each other. The sun was warm, the watter was cold, and there was hot eye-candy. the regulars were boisterous and hilarious, if often stupid. There were no creeps! Or at least no one creeped on us. When i went home i had a fabulous shower. cold/luke warm showers right after the beach feel so good! however shortly after I got home, I realized that i had unwittingly granted Kate a goodbye present: I was in such a hurry to get in the water i forgot to sunscreen my legs the entire time i was there. I spent most of my time lying on my belly talking to people, so my calves are pretty burned and its very uncomfortable. my butt and thighs are slightly burned. they don't hurt unless the rub against something abrasive, but they are a little pink still and will most likely peel, making me look like a leper.
Off to school now!
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07:57 pm
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quiz time!
After you die...
Reincarnated as Yourself
After death, you will be reborn again as yourself. You will live the same life, unbeknownst to you. However, you will have vivid moments of déjà vu, as you probably have now.
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Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
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i took this quiz three times, and i got three different locations. reincarnated, beatlejuice waiting room, and in the ground. i guess i'm in that general range it was just strange that it would varry that much.
I'm sleeping better. My kitty loves me. i take him out in the afternoons and he gets to hang out with my while i read, or with me and mom and dad. i've been reading up a storm. i'm trying to get some people together to go to the beach sunday, but i have a feeling no one will be able to make it. either that or everyone will show up and it'll be too cold to go to the beach. Finals will be here soon. i don't want the semester to be over, because i'll have to decide weather or not i'm taking a summer class. i should. but they are at such god-aweful times! one starts at 7:30, which is too damned early to live. theres one at 10:30, but it doesn't get out til 1:30, and then if I had lunch i wouldn't get to work until 2. which only give me 3 hours until closing to work tuesday wednesday and thursday. there's another one real late, which would make hanging out difficult in the evenings. i guess i'll talk to Marsha and see what will work. maybe i can come in earlier, or work late, or something. i suppose i don't need a summer class, but it would sure make things easier in the fall if i could have one fun class, just because i want to take it. otherwise my schedule will be full of necesary things i need to transfer. stupid state schools having different required classes than UCs do. otherwise all i'd need would be math. grrr. i hate muddling through school stuff.
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03:20 am
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Friends are made of awesome
Thats the second time I've used "awesome" in a title recently. maybe I should change it to "fabulous". Well, whatever. So just to warn you, a lot of this is pretty rant-like, so i wont be offended at all if you don't care and skip over a lot of it. i gave you fair warning.
So I just went to go help Kate practice driving, and afterwards I hung out at her house and we sat on her couch and talked for hours about everything. I feel really lucky, because this is the third great conversation I've had this week, and that makes me pretty lucky. First of all that I've seen all of my friends this week, and secondly that I got to have so many great conversations. You know, the ones where they go on for ever and you laugh and gossip and talk serious and share and sometimes even bare your souls a bit more. And I'm glad that I can still have conversations like that with Kate, that we haven't talked everything out years a go since we've been friends for fucking ever. We laughed a lot, because we are two of the most crazy irreverent people. And we talked about how we want my sister's life to be better (and by better of course we mean how we think life should be) and cool sociology stuff, and school stuff, and our personal flaws and how hard it is to overcome them, and how grateful we are of having smart friends (I talked about cool works with several people this week!). And she talked about all the crazy things going on in her head and her life with her moving to Seatle. And I got to talk a lot, which doesnt always happen in conversations about serious stuff. Maybe its my mini therapist self, or that i'm lucky enough mnot to have an overwhelming amount of issues, but when discussing serious things I often take a more supportive than active role in conversations. So here is some of the important stuff we talked about:
I told Kate about this exchange I had with my sister the other day. I told her that now that she has a license, we should go on a northern cClifornia college tour together. (Northern cuz thats where I'm going to school, and we could also take a southern one later as well). She said "I'm not going to college. I'm going to go to beauty school and become a makeup artist. I mean, if I can't become a model." And I kind of died inside. I know that my sister is different than me, and different than our family, but I didn't think it was that bad! So that totally broke my heart, and now I'm terrified my sister will have a unfulfilled mindless tedious life, which is vastly over-reacting, but I'm still quite upset (understandably I would argue). And I talked about how I wish my sister hung out with people who aren't stupid, and how I don't want her to waste her life, and i wish people didn't tell her she was pretty all the time, or at least told her she was smart and funny fifty times more often than they do, and how i want her to have a sense of self esteem based off of something other than how pretty she is so she doesn't hate herself when the inevitable happens and she starts to get older. And how I told this to Terrie and Kim at work and they didn't understand at all and just said "don't worry, she can still make plenty of money that way". I don't care if my sister never makes a lot of money! I don't know if I ever will! But I want her to have some of the great experiences that college can give you, even if you have a useless major and end up doing something completely different with your life.
And I talked about how i hate how the vast majority of my bad habits were learned straight from my mother and I see this all the time now that I'm older. I procrastinate endlessly (i know, not a terribly original flaw) and I'm disgustingly messy, I give up really easily if something seems challenging, I don't think about how I spend my money, and I live in a bubble and assume I will have all of my needs taken care of without giving thought to how that actually happens. Not all of my flaws, but the ones directly attributable to my mother. And yes, I'm glad i didn't inherit some of my dads flaws like not being able to enjoy something because it costs a lot of money, or being constantly pessimistic, or being too serious, or being a closet alcoholic, or not being able to properly express emotions (although in his defense, dad is a lot better at this than a lot of straight males). But a lot of moms bad traits that i picked up dad has the direct opposite good trait of, and I don't know why this couldn't have been socialized into me a lot better. And I hate how mom spends money on frivolous things constantly and we're always in debt. I used to think we were pretty well off. Evidence: they own their own business and a house, and make enough that they support a family of four in this crazy expensive area one one income, which is practically impossible. But we don't have money, because mom spends it on clothes and eating out all the time and expensive hotels when she goes out of town to bridge tournaments and whatever other crap she comes up with. I assumed for a long time that my parents could afford to send me to college, and in the past years have been rudely disabused of this notion because dad can never manage to save anything. I have no college savings, other than the pitiful $5,000 i've manage to save in the 2 1/2 years i've been working, which is a lot less than i should have saved by now. My parents can probably manage to pay most of my living expenses when I go away to school, and if i live frugally and try to get a part time job i can pay for the rest as well as spending money, but i will have to take out shit loads of college loans, because we make too much for me to get financial aid. And my mother seems completely oblivious of this fact, even though dad has serious money discussions with her all the time. Dad likes to say "we can buy anything you want, just not everything you want." which i think is a nice saying and i feel really lucky that I do have so much given to me, but she never seems to get it. and yes, i am spoiled in that i expect my parents to help me pay for college. i know there are lots of kids that have to get student loans. i know college is way too expensive to just pay for out of pocket and takes serious years of forethought and saving, and its too late to change that now. but i still get pissed off that she never seems to get it, the truth never manages to break through her little bubble. And she is aware of it to a point, because i'll hear her say things like "i really want this nice set of golf clubs, but your father would kill me if i bought them right now because i already spent too much". but she acts like he's policing her, and she doesn't want to control her spending for herself. on top of all this, she is hypocritically really vocal in commenting on when my friends or hers have a lot of things easy and "are spoiled". as if she isn't ridiculously spoiled herself. sometimes i get so frustrated i wish my dad would leave her, just to make her succeed or fail on her own and stop affecting the rest of us with it! but of course i love my parents and want them to stay together. its just that she frustrates me, and i don't know how i can possibly get her to change.
I also had shorter rants about how it seems like everyone my age is only interested in drinking themselves into oblivion all the time, and can't function in a social setting without it. how terrible a person are you if you are to boring to have fun without the aid of chemicals? how stupid are you if you try to solve all your problems by drinking? now i have no problem with people drinking, and everyone has their own levels of what is a decent amount of drinking. i specifically mean people who don't know how to have fun without it, or assume people have less fun if they don't get drunk every weekend, or who are too boring to have friends if their friends hung lout with them sober too often.
We also had some really amazing laughs.
About seminal vesicles. I though that sounded like a ranking somewhere in the roman catholic church, and we laughed a lot, and Kate pictured a little cartoon of seminal vesicles wearing pope hats.
About how even though we love our geeky friends, they are kind of strange and funny sometimes. and how anyone who uses the phrase "elegant solution" is automatically a big geek. because only geeks are that obsessed with solving problems in elegantly efficient ways.
And I told her that me and Katey decimated the mythology section of barns and Nobles (she bought practically very book on greek mythology, and i bought one of their four books on norse mythology, and their mythology section is teensy). and Kate said "what, you took a blow torch to it or something?" and later came up with a fabulous quote that i insisted must be added to my favorite quotes on facebook: "We hate mythology! We're scientists! We believe in fire!" (i think i got that first sentence in the quote wrong cuz its 4am, so Kate you will have to correct me).
This week has just reminded me how completely amazing my friends are, and although it will be terribly hard to try and replace them, i really had better get on it with the making new friends thing since most of them are moving away before i am, and i should be a lot less of the bookish recluse that i have been acting like lately. Rachel has invited me to hang out with a group of her friends and acquaintances thursday at their habitual lesbian coffee night. i jokingly promised to try not to act too straight. Hopefully i will meet some awesome people and make good friends there, because it seems whenever i get a nice gay group of friends it devolves into flaming piles of LSD (Lesbian Super Drama, for those of you unfamiliar with the term). i really need to make more friends, and it would be really cool if while i was at it i found a down to earth, not to drama-like, non smoking, cute, single, sane, academic type girl. I'd really like to date someone and just looking at that basic list of requirements there I'm laughing at myself for even saying it, because its impossible. i think this town has five lesbians my age that are not already my friends and so off limits. and four of them are couples, and the fifth smokes. i don't have anyone in mind when i say this, its just the way gay communities in small towns tend to work out. and i know i could always date a boy, but to quote Rachel's advice to me today: "Danielle, i think you really need to lay off the cock". which makes me laugh. but i didn't realize until i was single how incredibly hard it is to find a decent person to date, the eligible straight males seem just as rare as the eligible lesbians/bi girls, and there are a whole lot more of them. so for now i am definitely going to take Rachel's advice, and only date a boy if one happens to fall down in front of me as a gift from the gods, nicely packaged for me, but not really go looking for them. not that I'm seriously girl-hunting, I'm just keeping my eyes open. because companionship and cuddles and sex and dates and kissing are all really nice things, and i miss them. sadly, although I'm still hopeful when examined realistically I'm pretty sure no one acceptable of either sex exists in this stupid town. and thats ignoring the fact that if i did find someone, it would still be incredibly incestuous because everyone knows everyone around here. and i am going to go to bed, because i have to do things tomorrow at a vaguely early type time, and all I'm doing know is whining and not even complaining constructively.
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